The clouds have gathered….

….and I feel a storm coming on.

In my last post, I talked about how even in the tough times our family has been facing God is, in fact, present.  Now, I know this.  I also know that its when we’re hurting most that He holds us tighter.

I know this to be true….but…..

…..I’m having a hard time feeling it.

I find myself wonder where He is in all this, why He feels so distant to me right now.  I like to consider myself a man of strong faith but, honestly, I just wonder.

In Hebrews 13:5, God says “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

I believe that…..I just find myself wishing He was a bit more vocal right now.

I’m sad, I’m angry, and my heart hurts more than it has ever hurt.  We buried 2 family members in 10 days.  My uncle was 59 years old, only 3 years retired, survived an aneurysm 12-13 years ago…..and in a short 6 months he’s gone.

It’s not fair.  I miss him terribly.  I miss his presence.  I miss his banter with Hally.  I miss teasing him about voting for Bush.  I’m going to miss watching pathetic Detroit Lions football on Thanksgiving and shucking clams on Christmas Eve.

*wiping tears*

God, I haven’t cried this much ever.

Through all the pain and heartbreak, a few things stand out to me.

• My wife.  She’s been my rock, my anchor through all this.  She’s allowed me to mourn, to be crabby, to process all that’s overwhelming me.  She’s the most amazing woman in the world, and I’m lucky to have her.

• Last night after SWITCH, as I watched the kids play basketball and chit chat with each other, I felt normal for the first time in weeks.  It was the first peace I’ve had in my heart, the first time I actually felt like everything was right with the world.

• I have great friends.  Troy, Bob, Joy, Jim and the EmDes Gang, Tom and Amy, Sam, Tiffany, the SWITCH leaders, and anyone I may have forgotten…. you guys are wonderful.  I love each and every one of you.  Thank you for your comfort, your hugs, your prayers, your daily checks on me and my family…. you guys truly are a blessing.  You truly live out what Paul said in Galatians about “bearing each other’s burdens”.  I couldn’t have made it this far without you.

• Family.  I hate seeing all of you BECAUSE of this, but our strength through our unity will get us through this.  The word “crap” will keep my Auntie Ann close in my heart.  Whenever I hear it or say it, I laugh inside….. its those things that I treasure.

I know everything hasn’t hit me yet.  I know there’s stormier times coming.

….and feeling distant scares me.

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