Standing at a fork in the road…

Let me start off by saying, I don’t do change well.  Never have.  I’m better at dealing with it now than I used to be, thanks to my wife, but there are times where the thought if it still paralyzes me.

Without going into too much detail, this is one of those paralyzing times.  What makes this even worse is that this fork in the road is something that has developed through my own effort and passion.

If you know me, or have been following along, this past summer I had an opportunity to lead the youth program when our youth pastor took some well deserved time off.  At the time, it felt natural because it was in an area where my heart is.  Was it easy?  Yes and no.  There was alot of work that went into putting together the experience every week, from scouting locations to organizing food to writing sermons, but everything turned out well and was well received by the students.

Of course, it helped that I was working with an absolutely fabulous team of passionate and dedicated people.

This is what has led to my current ‘predicament’, so to speak.

I’ve been really struggling with trying to balance being me with being a leader. I’ve never really considered myself to be a leader, and positions with that responsibility aren’t really anything I’ve ever sought on purpose.  Being “the guy” has never really been my end goal.

What’s been stressing me out lately is that I know I’m not a ‘typical church person’. I’m a liberal, I question matters of faith, I ask myself (and others) hard questions, I vehemently disagree with some traditional church positions because I believe they come from bad theology, I think the message of Christ is not exclusively one of behavior modification (don’t do this, don’t do that), but one of spiritual formation and transformation which LEADS to behavior modification because we understand WHY those things are bad for us. Yet most churches focus on modification and do poorly with the formation and transformation.

Who I am is not a huge secret….

….and yet people, including staff, are asking me if I’d be interested in continuing to lead.

Knowing the people around me, and knowing that I’m not the proto-typical evangelical type, this is confusing me and completely shaking up the snow globe I live in. My wife has been wonderful trying to talk me through this, and I guess it’s come to the point where I need to confront this choice that lay in front of me head on.

One direction is me continuing to be me and just continuing to do what I do best, step in and help to facilitate getting things done that need to get done….which is the way I’ve always been.

The other direction is stepping, albeit not truly ‘officially’, into this position that people see me in and accepting not only what people see in me, but all that comes along with it in an environment that, truly, is uncharted territory for me.

I wish there was, and perhaps there is, a third way…. a way of balancing the two.  If there is, I wish I knew how to get there.

My confusion and, well, quite honestly fear, comes from the parental side of me.  I love these kids and I don’t want to do anything that screws them up.  I’m absolutely terrified of that.  It’s like with my own kids, I love them unconditionally and my wife knows that I’m ALWAYS questioning myself as a parent.

Ugh… all this overanalyzing stuff is just leading to an upset stomach, heartburn, and sleepless nights.

I’d truly appreciate any advice..positive or negative.  I feel like I’ve flipped a coin 100 times and it’s come up 50 heads and 50 tails.